Thread: Cooking: the unsatisfactory, the dangerous, the unusual, the weird ass.

I was cooking a giant scone in my George Foreman grill this morning when it occurred to me that cooking has the potential to be a disaster zone for all kinds of reasons, some funny, some entertaining, some ....dangerous.

I thought it might be fun to start a thread with some stories of things that did not go well for some reason or other.

The only thing that i have done that is truly noteworthy, is to try to cook a possum.

Back when I was picking apples in 1989, I shot a possum one night, skinned and gutted it, the next day I boiled it with the intention of slicing it into little fillets and frying it.

The smell of boiling terrified me so much that I chickened out after about half an hour, took the pot outside, and hurled it as far into the back garden as I could, where I assume rats scurried past it till it rotted away.

I lost all my culinary curiosity and bravery that day, and have seldom attempted much beyond the occasional pie and tray of lasagne.

My favourite story quoted from memory from the book "The last days of Colditz"( a WW2 German POW camp housing the most persistent allied escapers: )

"Royal Marines Lieutenant Derby Curtis was stirring an omelette, when for some reason, it caught fire.
He took it off the stove, put it on the ground, stamped out the flames in the pan, wiped his boots on the edge of the pan, then put it back on the stove and carried on cooking."

I fried some Paua last week, thought I do something different than just mincing it with bacon and onion
So I gutted and cleaned in the usual way sliced really thinly rubbing crushed garlic all over the slices thren fast fried

It was friggin terrible, rubbery, very hard to chew didn't taste that great at all

Todays Paua will be pattied in the normal way

Originally Posted by Phil_H

This I just have to see. Have you got pictures???

Cheers
Phil

Cooking a pumpkin pie for dessert,had been to bin inn for supplies that day so everything in plastic bags.Recipe said 1 & 1/2 cups sugar.
Pie smelling and looking fantastic.Come dessert time,CRUSHED,1 & 1/2 cups of fucking salt.Twenty years later still have not revisited pumpkin pie and I do like pumpkin pie.

Kale. End of story.

Originally Posted by Marty Henry

Kale. End of story.

anything green. end of story.

Most recent fail, green curry snapper.....to be fair I thought it was alright I used a whole jar of paste that apparently "you are only sopost to use a teaspoon or two"...hot most definitely but eatable..... but the whole rest of familiy disagreed.

Many many years ago on one of me and a mates first camping trips without adults a bird was harvested, legend has it they are great eating and if cooked in clay all the feathers come out with the clay and you have a delicious meal.....well we didnt have clay or any clue so said bird was caked in mud and burned in the fire untill a sandy muddy mess off feathers and shit resulted and we went hungry.

We did found out on day 5 of 12 in Fiordland that less than a teaspoon of white spirits fuel from a leak will ruin any dehydrated mince.... I gave some a taste and had fuel flavoured burps for hours after.

Butter will also burn quite happily in a frypan if you start to cook an egg then get distracted mid process. Oops

Made jam on toast for the misses....still half asleep and without my reading glasses on, made 'Beetroot chutney on toast"....

proudly walked into the bedroom, even the dogs where not interested, was just about to throw it in the bin....though, why not......SCORE, fukn awesome, try it

Originally Posted by jakewire

I fried some Paua last week, thought I do something different than just mincing it with bacon and onion
So I gutted and cleaned in the usual way sliced really thinly rubbing crushed garlic all over the slices thren fast fried

It was friggin terrible, rubbery, very hard to chew didn't taste that great at all

Todays Paua will be pattied in the normal way

Either drown in cold fresh water for a day and then shuck, or throw whole live paua in boiling water for a minute then straight into cold water to stop the cooking process. Then shuck them as usual. They will be tender as, you'll be able to push your finger through them. Thinly slice and make a curry with them. Amazing.

Originally Posted by jakewire

I fried some Paua last week, thought I do something different than just mincing it with bacon and onion
So I gutted and cleaned in the usual way sliced really thinly rubbing crushed garlic all over the slices thren fast fried

It was friggin terrible, rubbery, very hard to chew didn't taste that great at all

Todays Paua will be pattied in the normal way

Many years ago Paua softening was accomplished by placing the cleaned Paua in a mutton bag and administering a few stout wacks with the back of a Tomahawk The mutton bag was to stop the Paua from flying through the air for parts unknown. Later my outgrown toy cricket bat was substituted for the Tomahawk. Later still the cleaned Paua were blanched in boiling water.
Grandpamac.

I use a dive bottle for paua
best thing iv found yet, put it in a tshirt and 3 medium donks

if you want to cook it whole you need to do it slowly

a friend that obviously dosent like the normal texture drops them in boiling water while they are fresh and still alive for something like 20 seconds
it makes them silly soft but changes the texture in a way I dont like

As an aside our last night paua onion and Bacon [ not alot of bacon as it is over powering] patties were great.
I shall try a couple of your chaps methods above in the coming weeks.Gotta be better than my first attempt

Ps, love the George Foreman scone idea, will have to try that.

Originally Posted by jakewire

As an aside our last night paua onion and Bacon [ not alot of bacon as it is over powering] patties were great.
I shall try a couple of your chaps methods above in the coming weeks.Gotta be better than my first attempt

Ps, love the George Foreman scone idea, will have to try that.

I have to report that too much scone is not entirely well cooked. Not doughy in the middle as per Sharon's observation, but not quite cooked on the edges.

Best to use less dough for a covering of about 2/3 of grill surface, I think.

I came one day and my flatmate was cooking a whole chicken. In the microwave. Wasn't flash but we ate it because 18 year old uni students are the lowest form of life.

Same flat: Got shitfaced and did a hangi with petrol. Didn't eat that one, but as a result we later had somewhere to bury the neighbours cat that same flatmate skittled in the driveway by accident.