Thread: Bit of a laugh

Got emailed this thought id chuck it on here.

Yesterday I was at my local Pak n Save store buying a large bag of Tux dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Tux Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Tux nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Pak n Save.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

Love it!!

hahahaha brilliant

+1 for post of the month

Good laugh. Here's another one for you

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a gun. He shouts "THIS IS A RAID GET ON THE FLOOR" and proceeds to empty the tills. As he runs to the door with the loot in his free hand a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots him dead and shouts out "DID ANYONE ELSE SEE MY FACE?" After a short silence a voice is heard from a far corner ..... "I think my missus got a glimpse".

A man and his wife go the see the local priest with a confession. The priest asks "How can I help you my children"
The man glances at his wife ,clears his throat and and says" well father, yesterday I was overcome with passion as my wife bent over the freezer to take something out for dinner,I just couldn't help myself and I took her from behind." the man stared at the floor in shame.
The priest looked at the man and asked "you are married and this is your wife we are talking about" to which the man answered "yes father married 5 years now".
"Well" said the priest "say 3 hail marys" and I'll see you on sunday"
"So your not going to kick us out of the church then?" asked the man
"Why would I do that?" replied the priest
The man replied "Well they kicked us out of the supermarket"

Nicked this from the Swazi Facebook Page:

Swazi's Hump-Day Humour:

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had e
ndured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'

'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'

Good stuff guys and gals, I posted in the dog section because I thought it would hit the target audience.
Perhaps it should be moved and added to now?

Actually i quite like the jokes scattered throught the forum. Your just strolling along through the different threads and a good laugh just pops up out of nowhere.

Ok sweet as then

There was an old man from Nantucket

perhaps better not

who kept his balls in a bucket

There was an old man from Leeds

That swallowed a packet of seeds

Within one hour his balls were a flower

And his ass a riot of weeds

Oh what the hell then...........

There was an old man from McGosham
Who took out his balls to wash em
His wife said "Jack if you dont put em back Il step on the bastards and squash em"

Little miss muffet sat on her tuffet her knickers all tatters an torn.
But it wasnt a spider that sat down beside her, It was little boy blue with his horn

Jack and Jill went up the hill
Too have a hankey pankey
When they got down
Out popped little Frankey

Long version blatently ripped from wiki


There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket, Nantucket

But he followed the pair to Pawtucket,
The man and the girl with the bucket;
And he said to the man,
He was welcome to Nan,
But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.

Then the pair followed Pa to Manhasset,
Where he still held the cash as an asset;
But Nan and the man
Stole the money and ran,
And as for the bucket, Manhasset.